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A thousand apologies for this collection of - in our opinion - the thirty most awful childrens' jokes ever that should be banned for all of eternity ... or maybe longer. These aren't just 'groaners' ... oh no, they're a lot more rubbish and pathetic than that! ... these lame kids' jokes wouldn't know what humour was even if it arrived in a large box with HUMOUR! written all over the outside.

So yes there's some kids' "Knock Knock, Who's There?" gags and 'Doctor!, Doctor!' jokes of course but they all have one thing in common; they're all awful! One saving grace for these pathetic puns is that they are all clean and suitable for children. And before you ask, the original "Why did the chicken cross the road?" joke has been deemed so rubbish that it hasn't even been allowed a place on this web page! ... now that's bad!

When do astronauts eat?
At launch time.


What do you call a polar bear in the desert?
Lost


What is a wombat?
Somthing to play a game of wom with


How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses.


Why did Robin Hood steal from the rich?
Because the poor didn't have anything worth stealing.


Which is the most uncertain month of the year?
May


Why did Santa have three gardens?
So he could hoe-hoe-hoe.


Who was Joan of Arc?
Noah's wife.


Doctor! Doctor! I keep thinking I'm a bell.
Well take these tablets and if you don't improve give me a ring.


What do you call a two tonne gorilla?
Sir!
What do you call a two tonne gorilla with a sock in each ear?
Anything you like ... he can't hear you.


Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Your door bell's not working.


Why was the centipede dropped from the sports team?
It took him too long to put his trainers on.


Waiter! Waiter! What's this fly doing in my soup?!
I think it's backstroke Sir.


Why can leopards never escape from zoos?
They're always spotted.


Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!
Take these tablets twice a day for the next three months .... you'll have to be a little patient.


Why did the cat go 'woof woof'?
It was learning a second language.


Doctor! Doctor! I keep thinking I'm a pocket watch.
Yes ... you do seem a little wound up.


What did the banana say to the apple?
Nothing. Bananas can't talk.


Why are there no dogs on the moon?
Because there are no trees.


Where does Santa like swimming?
At the North Pool.


When is a car not a car?
When it turns into an avenue.


When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar.


What runs all around a garden but never moves?
A fence.


What do you call a girl in the distance?
Dot.


How does an elephant get to the top of a tree?
He sits on a seed and waits for it to grow.
How does an elephant get down from a tree?
He sits on a leaf and waits until autumn.


What makes music on top of your head?
A hair band.


Why was the school canteen clock always wrong?
Because every day it went back for seconds ... (back four seconds! .... gettit!?)


What did the boy candle say to the girl candle?
"Shall we go out together?"


How do you know there's an elephant in your fridge?
Footprints in your butter!


Why did the Christmas tree take a taxi?
It was too fir to walk.


Well thank goodness that's over. Surely the Top 30 lamest, most hopeless and awful children's jokes ever known to mankind!

If you think you've found some rubbish kids' jokes - or maybe you've made up some of your own - then please send them in. If they are awful enough we'll add them to our collection. If they're too awful we might just send them back!

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