|Did you hear about the pregnant bed-bug?
She's having her babies in the spring.
|Which is the best athelete to have with you on a cold day?
A long jumper.
|Did you hear about the two men arrested for stealing batteries and fireworks?
One was charged but the other was let off.
|Doctor! Doctor! I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Do take a seat.
I can't. I'm not allowed on the furniture.
|Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm shrinking.
Well take these tablets but you'll have to be a little patient.
|Doctor! Doctor! I keep thinking I'm a needle!
Hmmmm well I see your point.
|What's the silliest animal in the jungle?
A polar bear.
|What goes black-white-black-white-black-white .....?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
What's black and white and says "Ha ha ha ha ha ha"?
The penguin that pushed him.
|Why did the jelly baby go to school?
Because he really wanted to be a smartie.
|Where can you learn how to make ice cream?
The interrupting sheep.
The interrupting sh.......
(loudly interrupt them with)BAAA BAA BAAAA BAAAAA BAAA BAAAAA
Note: you can have hours of fun replacing 'interrupting sheep' with 'interrupting dog', 'interrupting cat', 'interrupting cow', etc. but do please do remember that they don't all go BAAAAA.
|Our library is the tallest building in the world.
It's got more stories than any other building I know.
|Did you hear about the man who was taken to hospital after he ate 100 daffodil bulbs?
Doctors say that he's recovering and should be out in the Spring.
Editors note: must have been a particularly narcissi illness!
|What's the difference between a soldier and a fireman?
You can't dip a fireman into your boiled egg.
|First boy: My brother was named George because he was born on St. Georges Day.
Second boy: My brother was named Andrew because he was born on St. Andrew's Day.
Third boy: The same thing happened to my brother Pancake.
|What's the difference between a dog and a flea?
A dog can have fleas but a flea can't have dogs.
|Doctor! Doctor! I keep thinking I'm an elevator.
Looks like you might be coming down with something.
|What time do ducks get up?
At the quack of dawn.
|Doctor! Doctor! I keep thinking I'm a pack of cards.
Well take a seat and I'll deal with you later.
|Did you hear the joke about the three eggs?
|A lion got loose from the circus and tried to eat everybody except the clowns.
Why? .... because they taste funny.
|Why is number six afraid of number seven?
Because seven eight nine !
|What's the difference between broccoli and bogies (boogers)?
Kids will eat bogies .....
|What do you call a three-legged donkey?
|Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom.
|What's a quiche that catches fire easily?
|What's black and white and scary?
A maths exam paper.
|What's brown and sticky?
|What do you call a snake that works on a building site?
A boa constructor.
|Two eggs in a pan full of boiling water.
One says "Blimey, it's hot in here isn't it!"
And the other one says "AAAAARRRGGGGGHH! A talking egg !!!"
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